“Do not wait; the time will never be ‘just right.’ Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along.” Napoleon Hill

It was a joy to read this quote yesterday. It is what I’m doing and what I’m sometimes criticized for doing. I have a tendency to rush into things and create action where others might think some planning would be better. Sometimes they are right. Sometimes, I just need momentum.

I’ve watched dreams die because a person spent years in the development process and nothing was ever built. A colleague and I did some fabulous collaborating and learned an enormous amount about co-leading only to find ourselves without participants in our workshop. We wanted to “get it right” and forgot to trust that the tools we needed would show up.

There is a part of me that instinctively takes actions. Maybe I have less fear of failure than I think – at least in some situations.

I am helping to manage a community meeting place and even though lots of conversations have taken place I can see that we have so many gaps to fill in. And I keep pushing ahead and doing what’s in front of me with a sense that things will come together. When people ask questions about what we are up to I don’t always sound clear because frankly I don’t know for sure. I know what our intention is and that is what carries us forward. If I had not taken steps with what I had there wouldn’t be so many exciting things happening in our little community.

Maybe there is some thing that you are wanting that always seems out of reach. Change your perspective. Not only am I a Change Facilitator in the work I do with clients, I continually change my own perspectives to empower myself every day. It what works.

This Napoleon Hill quote, from a renowned source of inspiration, gives you permission to act, to call, to engage, to move. And I believe you can and will make something happen, if only you start where you are standing.

 

After climbing to the tip of the limb with my last post I questioned why I would tell people something that seems so private. I firmly believe there is way too much private information in the public domain. And, I still feel it is important to be authentic. Hiding only adds unnecessary pressure. As I said to my coach “When all else fails, tell the truth!”

Besides a Shadow, I also have a Light. I am determined, focused, willing, committed, compassionate, thoughtful, generous and so much more. I am the shadow and light side of every behaviour. There is “good” and “bad” in being generous or focused. There is “good” and “bad” in being stubborn or stuck. There is power in knowing yourself and I am getting intimately acquainted with myself AGAIN. This has been my chosen path for many, many years. Some might suggest I need something to do. Trust me I am not idle, except when I am!

The bottom line is that when some area of your life is not working the way you want it to you have a choice. Turn inward and look for answers or outward and blame someone else. You get to decide which route fits you.

What I am compelled to say is “Set yourself free. Give yourself a break.”

Now, I need to journal. It’s part of my commitment to self-care. Be inspired.

This is a hard post to write and the only comfort I feel is that I don’t believe that many people read my blog.

Lately I’ve been complaining that people don’t really want to change things they just wish things were different. Today I said it again … people just want to talk about stuff instead of doing something about it. Actually, I’ve been saying this very publicly for at least six months.

Last weekend I did some powerful Shadow/Light work with my retreat women. They were amazing. Their courage to go to those uncomfortable places and confront themselves was really inspiring. Every time they brought forward a behaviour or attitude that they found annoying, frustrating or otherwise negative in someone else I pointed them to their own lives. There were things like “They don’t communicate well.” Response: So where are you not communicating well in your life? “They are so angry.” Response: So how angry are you? There were so many declarations and they found the truth for themselves each time.

And, as if that wasn’t enough I pointed out that the people who shout the loudest about someone else’s behaviour typically get “caught” doing the very thing they judge. David Letterman making fun of people caught cheating. Hmmm. A priest in Antigonish, Nova Scotia who brokered settlements for sexually abused native children has been found with a computer full of child pornography. Politicians fighting prostitution turn up in bed with them. The list goes on and on.

So, tonight I can barely keep myself from throwing up. All my complaining and posturing about people talking not acting has suddenly landed right in my lap. It’s tough to admit and while it might seem that doing so in private is sufficient, I know better. I’ve made way too many public admonishments about responsibility and accountability to let myself off the hook. And, honestly, I know it’s just a matter of time before I slip up royally and everyone discovers the truth. AND I do not want to attract anymore people who are not willing to make changes. I read my newsletters and blogs too.

It’s time for complete transparency. I’m stuck. I’m resistant. I’m stubborn. I’m not willing to change. I’m complaining. I’m blaming. The big issue looming in front of me is that I have been using food off and on to numb myself for twenty-five years. I know better. I have done better. And right now, I’m back to my self-destructive habit with a bit of a vengeance.

It doesn’t seem like such a big deal when I write it out. Yet, I know for sure that what I’m saying is “Look, I’m just as guilty as the rest of you for complaining and blaming and not doing what it takes to create the life I want. ” It’s time for me to stop preaching and start being a role model. If it’s so important to me to empower people, I can start with myself. I can do the very same exercises I give my clients to do.  I can challenge myself and actually follow through.

I’ve often quoted Caroline Myss who says “We build self-esteem by honouring the commitments we make to ourselves.” I’m here to tell the truth – I don’t always honour the commitments I make to myself. I have work to do.

Tonight I’m not going to list all the things I will do from now on. I might tomorrow but right now what is most important to me is to own the fact that I am so stubbornly engaged in being stuck. I, like so many of you, am refusing the take responsibility for my health and for the promises I make over and over again.

So, there you have it. Once more for the record: I am a stubborn, stuck person who refuses to take responsibility for my poor choices.

Whew. Now you know so now I get to decide what to do next. Stay tuned.

Tonight I’m trying to figure out when the right time will be to make a trip to the city. A friend will be in town from out of the country and a few of our mutual pals will be getting together. I want to be there AND I want to be here.

I keep asking if this is the right time to get away since I have so much to do in preparation for my October 22nd Women’s Wisdom Retreat AND I have obligations to other people. What I know I need to do is exactly what I taught my retreat participants last weekend. Lay my values template over my quandary and watch the answer emerge.

When we are clear about what is important to us we can make decisions quicker and easier than if we are dangling over the edge of uncertainty. If we don’t know who matters to us we might easily neglect the relationships that we deeply cherish. And when we say yes to something that gives us momentary relief we may be saying no to something that, in the long term, will bring us joy and peace.

I have strong values of friendship and connection. In both difficult and happy times it has been my friends who have stood by me. They know me and they still stick with me because they don’t get distracted by the periodic, unruliness of my choices. They are solidly in my corner and they know they can count on me just as I count on them.

So it makes me wonder why I am even thinking of not going. Yes, I love being home and it is a long drive. Yes, I would rather snuggle up with my husband at night than sleep alone in an unfamiliar bed. Yes, I will be unavailable to my business and will miss my favourite fitness class.

And, it feels like the right time. I’m recovering from my mother’s passing and entering a new phase of life without either of my parents. I’ve been working very hard and haven’t laughed nearly as much as I used to. While I love my home and appreciate it so much, time away will make me love it even more.

So, am I going? Maybe. That final decision is yet to be made but what has been decided is that now I’m sure I want to. That’s worth knowing.

“The space for what you want is already filled with what you settled for instead.”  Richard Bach

I had started this post before this quote came across my desk and it fits perfectly with my thoughts. I love quotes. I love the impact of a short, direct statement. Sometimes they carry a lot of weight and this one surely does.

The past few weeks I’ve been asking myself why I do the things I do. The question that comes up is “For the sake of what?” Why am I taking action? Why am I procrastinating? Why am I joining in and why am I distancing myself? Why am I saying yes and why am I saying no? What’s the outcome I expect? What am I hoping for, wanting to have happen? What do I imagine is the ripple effect or am I just trying to appease an “in the moment” impulse?

Now, more than ever, with this new landscape of my life I am asking this question – for the sake of what? Sometimes the answer is swift and resonant – specifically for my coaching and retreats. I love this work which never seems like work. I am passionate about witnessing, supporting and creating opportunities for people to change what doesn’t work in their lives. I believe so deeply in personal empowerment.

It’s not so much that I will eliminate things from my life because I might … and I might not. What I am more certain of is that by asking the “for the sake of what” question I bring out the truth behind my actions. I open my heart and mind to the underlying energy that I live with.

When I ask “for the sake of what” I know when I’m settling. It is obvious. And maybe I will do something “for the sake of” avoiding conflict, pain or discomfort. Or I might not speak up or react “for the sake of” keeping the peace. But one thing is for sure, when I ask “for the sake of what” I can never say I acted unconsciously. Because I’ll know.

Mom Christmas 08

For most of my 54 years I’ve been in a dance with my mother – sometimes a slow waltz, sometimes a lively jig and sometimes a dangerous tango. Last Wednesday night my mom suddenly left me on the dance floor alone. I am missing her very much.

I visited mom a few weeks ago when I learned she was undergoing some tests. We had a beautiful final conversation that I will carry with me forever. I believe that even though we didn’t speak it, we both knew that it was our goodbye. I am sad and I will rally when I am ready.  I am most at peace with the fact that she and my dad are together again. She missed him terribly these past eight years.

My life feels strangely out of sync. I’m not much interested right now in doing anything or even being in conversation. I am however, deeply committed to the Women’s Wisdom Retreat I am facilitating on September 24th. I want to gather these women and offer them the love and support they want as they transition and settle in their lives. It is my passion and my purpose and what brings me alive.

And, so I look at life from a new perspective; leaning into those who care for me and finding the lessons that will shape my path in the days and weeks ahead. Bless us all.

In the past several weeks I’ve been exposed to thousands of tourists visiting our small community. One thing has stood out for me and I can’t keep quiet about it. I am shocked at the number of seriously obese women. There are lots of overweight women AND that bothers me too. But what I just can’t ignore are the ones who can’t pass someone in the store aisles, can’t sit in the lounge chairs, can’t try on the extra-large t-shirts and walk slowly under the burden of excess weight. Their ankles are swollen, they breath heavy, they perspire, they hunch their shoulders.

And every time I see one of them I feel a deep sadness. AND … honestly, some anger. I want more for them and they deserve better. I know I can help them and yet I feel helpless to find a way to reach them. It is my sense that something has gone terribly wrong in their lives that has led them to medicate themselves with food. While there may be up to 5% who actually have a health issue that created the obesity, it is my firm belief that 95% are the way they are because of what they put in their mouths. I know, I do it all the time.

As summer winds down and there are fewer people to observe I have no choice but to look at myself. I’ve been busier than usual this summer and still managed to gain weight. I know why. I’ve been soothing my fears and frustrations with chocolate fudge brownie ice cream and chocolate chunk supreme cookies. Yes, for those of you who know me, that’s the same cookies I ran over with my car a year ago when I got fed up with my constant munching.

So, if anybody knows how the roller coaster starts it’s me. Up until now, I have been able to stop at a critical point and turn things around. I can hardly say I’m successful when I seem to need to do this on a regular basis. And then there is the drama (see The Sweet Seduction of Drama) that I bring to the whole issue of losing/gaining weight. I can’t bear to bore or entertain you with all that nonsense.

Here’s what I believe: You can’t be obese and have healthy self-esteem. You might be a happy person with a positive attitude and living the life of your dreams. What I still say is that underneath all the joy, you live with the belief that you are pathetic, unworthy, a failure, a fraud or any one of the many labels I’ve heard women give themselves. This isn’t a “beauty” matter, it’s a health matter.

So, I’m trying a little experiment. I’m going to offer self-esteem coaching at a big discount for big women. I want to see if it works. For sure, they will benefit from the focused attention of someone committed to seeing them suceed. What they don’t need is someone telling them what to eat. If you are obese, you could write a book on that!

I think it’s  worth a shot. Those of us with weight challenges (and mine are pretty minimal in the big picture) have spent enough time beating ourselves up or stuffing our feelings. It’s time to start finding out what the heck we are so afraid of and taking back our power.

If you or someone you know wants to give this a try, call me at 1-888-596-2385 or email daryl@darylwood.com. Let’s start something.

I believe that a big chunk of our economy is dependent on us having low self-esteem. We buy things because we think we need them; we should have them; we’ll miss out; we’ll be judged; we’ll look or feel better and the worst offender – we deserve them!

Marketing targets our weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Even though it’s obvious that we are being manipulated, we still buy. We can’t escape the messages. They are everywhere – on television, the internet, radio, billboards, newspapers, magazines and even from well-meaning friends. It’s been going on for so long I’m not sure we have any true sense of how “brainwashed” we are.

Most of us have walk around wondering if we are enough. Do we have the right car and live in the right neighbourhood? Do we eat the right food and buy the right clothes? Do we see the right movies and go to the right vacation spots? Do we have enough “friends” and belong to enough “groups”. Are we educated, trained, compensated, successful enough? Did we buy the right insurance, get the best investment advice, sue for the most damages, hire the right service, attend the right workshops, read the right books? Did we remember everyone’s birthday, show up on time, give the right answer, reduce, recycle, reuse …. arghhhhhhhhhhhh.

I really want you to know that you are enough just as you are without any collagen or mascara or heels or Spanx or logos. You are enough without bobbles and bangles, super chargers and designers or specialty coffees. If you want this stuff (and sometimes I do) then buy it. Buy it because you like it and home alone you really enjoy it. Don’t let a product define you. You are enough already.

A common reply from my homeopath is “what you resist, persists”. I’ve heard this from her many times over the years and especially when I talk about eliminating foods from my diet and the ensuing struggle to resist temptation. It does seem that the things I try to suppress, fight harder to erupt. This is the “beach ball” phenomenon that Debbie Ford describes in her Shadow work. We try so hard to keep things under the radar and eventually, they burst out with typically negative consequences.

What I notice is that many of us resist dealing with the emotional issues we don’t want to face. Tonight, a woman told me that she isn’t ready to commit to my Women’s Wisdom Retreat because she feels strong resistance to doing the work. First off, I realize that since she doesn’t know exactly what we’ll be doing, she obviously has a story made up that somehow, something she is trying desperately to avoid facing is likely to emerge.

Perhaps what she senses is that keeping busy in her daily routine she doesn’t have to handle anything that makes her uncomfortable. Coming to the retreat where she will have quiet time to reflect and opportunities to deepen her personal growth there is a very good chance that whatever she is resisting will come out of hiding.

Some people might think it’s better to let sleeping dogs lie. From my years of experience what I know for sure is that what we resist festers and grows insides us. It impacts how we live our lives whether we know it or not and sooner or later the pressure must be released. And when it is, stand back, because more often than not it brings plenty of drama and chaos.

The bottom line is that we can ignore what is churning inside or we can find a safe place to unpack it.  The overwhelming relief that I have witnessed when people “come clean” with themselves is awe inspiring. It’s worth saying here and now that what some people resist is indeed facing up to negative circumstances in their lives AND there are just as many that resist believing in their own stunning magnificence.

Either way, I encourage … no urge … anyone who feels a strong resistance to tackling their emotional challenges to find a safe space to resolve it. The sooner the better. Life is so precious and living it from behind a wall can never be satisfying.

I wonder if today will be the day I reach a turning point. So many times in my life I have found myself at an important intersection and realized I wanted to change directions. Sometimes I’ve actually created the intersections. It seems to me that no matter what, when we come to these places we have a pivotal opportunity.

When I have chosen something new, the learning flows like a fast moving stream. Almost immediately I see what I couldn’t see before and I “get it”. On the other hand, when I hesitate and stick with the “safe” route that I’ve been following I inevitably wind up at another crossroads with an aching feeling of “oh, no, here again!”

So, I wonder if something today will be the catalyst for change, will be what jolts me out of the monotony of a routine that I am accustomed to and yet so very bored with. By bored, I mean tired of and frustrated with. My life is so full and rich with people and possibilities. There are, like in everyone’s life, those places where I have stubbornly held to a behaviour that keeps coming up on the road signs as wanting to be resolved. And, until now, I have skillfully avoided making changes.

Maybe today is the day.