“The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.”—Frederick Buechner

Oh how this resonates with me today. I’ve heard myself say over and over lately how busy I am. What I am certain of is that the busyness is made up of fulfilling and meaningful activities and interactions. I’ve been called to unexpected places with unexpected responsibilities under unexpected circumstances. And I love it.

Every day I find myself connecting with people and sharing the experience of life and living. I’m continually surprised at the synchronicities and the generosity of spirit that comes forth given the chance. And that’s really all any of us want – the chance to show up as our authentic selves.

So what is the hunger that my gladness is feeding? Connection. Deepak Chopra says that the world is not hungry for more “things” but rather for relationship. I agree. I see it everywhere I go. There may be the momentary distraction of stuff or human desire but it disappears when someone stops to listen. To be heard; to be seen; to be valued is what helps us know we exist for some purpose. It stirs that place in all of us that is wanting to know that we matter.

So I wonder what intersection lies ahead for you as your passion pulls you into the path of a great hunger in your world.

“It isn’t the mountain ahead that wears you out – it’s the grain of sand in your shoe.” Robert Service

This tells me it’s not the goal I am pursuing that is overwhelming for me – indeed, that’s what I focus on and keep reaching for. What slows me down and depletes me is the daily, over and over again, little things that I keep tripping over or bumping up against.

When we have unfinished business, we have a grain of sand in our shoe. We may not notice it all the time and we might not even realize how something is either holding us back or getting in our way. Eventually, something happens to make us realize that there is a nagging, annoying and frustrating “something” that keeps us stuck. Lately, that “something” seems to be my office. Try as I might, I keep adding more papers.

As I wrote the above paragraphs I had stopped to look around my office. I was moved. I got up, picked up one pile that had been set aside for filing … and I did it. Then I went to another spot and put away that pile. Before long I had cleared some open space on my credenza. I felt good, refreshed and more open to what was ahead of me.

Amazing how even pulling thoughts together can create the momentum to take action. And basically, that’s all there is to it. So what it is that makes us procrastinate on the little things that can feel so irritatingly absurd? That’s a question we each need to ask ourselves. For some of us, we don’t see the value in the work waiting to be done or we are overwhelmed with how much we have to do. The bottom line is that when we make up a story we get attached to it and we end up with grains of sand that feel like mountains!

What does it take for you to recover when you get triggered? And how long?

I’m asking myself this question because it came up in a Leadership call this week. I got triggered and it took someone else to point it out before I could decide what to do. Talking with my coach I mused about how helpless I felt until I realized what was happening. Until it hit me, I couldn’t put two thoughts together. Instead I was flooded with emotion and at a time when I expected I would sound articulate.

It’s easier to talk about what I can do – acknowledge and be present – than to come up with a solution to how to recognize when I’m triggered. AND the fact is that the answer is so obvious. Emotion. When I feel myself slip into what I call “big” emotion that’s a signal that something has been unleashed.

For example, every time I walk down the road and smell a wood burning stove I’m triggered to feel warm and comfy. The sound of children singing “Oh Canada” can trigger tears of pride. The blessing my Grama gives at the end of every phone call and the way she says she’s proud of me triggers happiness and appreciation. So it is that I also feel triggered when someone questions my judgement, criticizes my opinion or simply comments in a way that reminds me in some way of a painful experience from my past.

I am here to state emphatically that I am not interested in keeping alive any old wounds. What I know for sure is that I don’t always see how they creep up and when I’m standing in front of a room in a lead or co-lead position, my need to recover quickly is essential.

So, in writing this message today I am getting a clear understanding that I need to be vigilant in my commitment to recovery. I need to pay attention to the “big’ emotion when it hits and stop myself from reacting. I may not be able to control what happens around me but I most certainly can control how I respond.

In the grand scheme of life it wasn’t that long ago that I thought I could focus completely on my “work” and leave my personal troubles behind. Owning a growing company gave me plenty of opportunity to spend lots of hours away from home doing lots of work because I was building a company. It made sense and it made me feel satisfied. I was getting lots done and I really liked organizing and managing the business. In fact, I really liked working “in” the business as much as I liked all the other aspects of it.

It wasn’t unusual for the staff to find me on the top of a ladder filling up the hopper with Styrofoam packing peanuts early in the morning. And I had reasons to stay late and work weekends too. All the administration stuff and the need to satisfy my “move things around” genes. It was an exciting time and I was certain I was on the right track. I could justify every minute I invested in my business and more often then not, I believed that if I didn’t do “it”, who would?

Then one day a strange thing happened. I landed in the local hospital with severe abdominal pain. The only relief was a well placed shot of the powerful drug Demerol. That’s what saved me for the next week as I completely zoned out in a hospital bed not caring about anything other than comfort and sleep. After two weeks of bedrest and examinations it was determined that there was in fact nothing physical wrong with me. Huh?

The diagnosis was stress. Stress? I thought I was happy. Maybe a little overworked but really, I loved my work and things in my life seemed generally good. At least that was what I had been telling myself for months.

What I had ignored (maybe even denied) was that my life was so unbalanced. Family time, health issues, friendships had all taken a backseat to my driven focus on my business. Surprisingly, during the two weeks in the hospital everything I thought I had to do got done – by someone else. And the few things that didn’t, were nowhere near as important as taking care of myself.

I realized then and have continued to pay attention now to the importance of recognizing that it’s all connected. Our work, our play, our professional lives, our personal lives. All of it. What happens in one, affects the other. It’s why so many times while coaching executives in leadership we take a detour to sort out something that drifts across our path. I believe it is no accident that an emotionally charged personal issue will torpedo into a career development coaching session. And sometimes it doesn’t! Sometimes it’s the other way around – coaching to resolve a difficult relationship, a health concern or family challenge – is interrupted by a significant workplace upset.

As I write this message I have once again had to reassess the choices I’m making right now to ensure my life is balanced. Somethings “gotta give” and I’m committed to making sure I err on the side of healthy choices.

As I sat down to write, I realized that all the topics I wanted to post seem somewhat irrelevant in the face of the devastating events in Haiti. What else can matter when everywhere we look there are images of horrible suffering and loss? How important are the many things we deem vital to our wellbeing when people are buried beneath mounds of rubble or left homeless without food or medical attention? There was a time when it would have taken days to have seen what now finds its way into our living rooms and at our fingertips. What is so heartbreaking is the personal stories that are broadcast everywhere we turn. So, it is that I express my deepest sorrow and compassion for the people of Haiti and all those who share their burden.

There is, as always, a way that this crisis makes me reflect on what I am doing in my life. What difference am I making. What purpose do I serve. What is next for me. 2009 was a year of transition. I lost many people I cared about including my beloved mother and my wonderful step-father-in-law. I also gained a beautiful daughter-in-law and deepened some friendships that matter a lot to me. In all, I was glad to let go of 2009 if only as a demarcation to have a fresh start. Of course that can happen anytime AND many times. For me, I needed the energy of the shift that takes place when a New Year begins to help me refocus. It’s working.

Rather than making resolutions I claimed an overall intention for 2010. I decided that 2010 is my “clean up” year. There are so many little things that are dangling around in my life and both wanting and needing to be cleaned up. There is that weight issue which was compounded by my reaction to grief. There is the book I said I’d publish and even though it was almost finished a year ago has not manifested. There is the integrity issue around what I pay my coach. There is the ongoing nuisance of my wishy washy commitment to a relationship with someone I feel obligated to. It’s the back and forth questioning of how I promote myself. There’s the resistance to things, the tolerating of things, the worrying about things and the old drama I love to pull out every now and then.

I know why people get fatigue. They just have too much stuff to clean up. Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually.

So, it’s time. It’s time to get on with it. No more excuses. Get it done.

I want this year to be more than just clean up. I want it to be a step up. Clean up what I need to and step up to what I’m called to. If that’s all I do it will be more than enough to satisfy my desire for fulfillment.

“Do not wait; the time will never be ‘just right.’ Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along.” Napoleon Hill

It was a joy to read this quote yesterday. It is what I’m doing and what I’m sometimes criticized for doing. I have a tendency to rush into things and create action where others might think some planning would be better. Sometimes they are right. Sometimes, I just need momentum.

I’ve watched dreams die because a person spent years in the development process and nothing was ever built. A colleague and I did some fabulous collaborating and learned an enormous amount about co-leading only to find ourselves without participants in our workshop. We wanted to “get it right” and forgot to trust that the tools we needed would show up.

There is a part of me that instinctively takes actions. Maybe I have less fear of failure than I think – at least in some situations.

I am helping to manage a community meeting place and even though lots of conversations have taken place I can see that we have so many gaps to fill in. And I keep pushing ahead and doing what’s in front of me with a sense that things will come together. When people ask questions about what we are up to I don’t always sound clear because frankly I don’t know for sure. I know what our intention is and that is what carries us forward. If I had not taken steps with what I had there wouldn’t be so many exciting things happening in our little community.

Maybe there is some thing that you are wanting that always seems out of reach. Change your perspective. Not only am I a Change Facilitator in the work I do with clients, I continually change my own perspectives to empower myself every day. It what works.

This Napoleon Hill quote, from a renowned source of inspiration, gives you permission to act, to call, to engage, to move. And I believe you can and will make something happen, if only you start where you are standing.

 

After climbing to the tip of the limb with my last post I questioned why I would tell people something that seems so private. I firmly believe there is way too much private information in the public domain. And, I still feel it is important to be authentic. Hiding only adds unnecessary pressure. As I said to my coach “When all else fails, tell the truth!”

Besides a Shadow, I also have a Light. I am determined, focused, willing, committed, compassionate, thoughtful, generous and so much more. I am the shadow and light side of every behaviour. There is “good” and “bad” in being generous or focused. There is “good” and “bad” in being stubborn or stuck. There is power in knowing yourself and I am getting intimately acquainted with myself AGAIN. This has been my chosen path for many, many years. Some might suggest I need something to do. Trust me I am not idle, except when I am!

The bottom line is that when some area of your life is not working the way you want it to you have a choice. Turn inward and look for answers or outward and blame someone else. You get to decide which route fits you.

What I am compelled to say is “Set yourself free. Give yourself a break.”

Now, I need to journal. It’s part of my commitment to self-care. Be inspired.

This is a hard post to write and the only comfort I feel is that I don’t believe that many people read my blog.

Lately I’ve been complaining that people don’t really want to change things they just wish things were different. Today I said it again … people just want to talk about stuff instead of doing something about it. Actually, I’ve been saying this very publicly for at least six months.

Last weekend I did some powerful Shadow/Light work with my retreat women. They were amazing. Their courage to go to those uncomfortable places and confront themselves was really inspiring. Every time they brought forward a behaviour or attitude that they found annoying, frustrating or otherwise negative in someone else I pointed them to their own lives. There were things like “They don’t communicate well.” Response: So where are you not communicating well in your life? “They are so angry.” Response: So how angry are you? There were so many declarations and they found the truth for themselves each time.

And, as if that wasn’t enough I pointed out that the people who shout the loudest about someone else’s behaviour typically get “caught” doing the very thing they judge. David Letterman making fun of people caught cheating. Hmmm. A priest in Antigonish, Nova Scotia who brokered settlements for sexually abused native children has been found with a computer full of child pornography. Politicians fighting prostitution turn up in bed with them. The list goes on and on.

So, tonight I can barely keep myself from throwing up. All my complaining and posturing about people talking not acting has suddenly landed right in my lap. It’s tough to admit and while it might seem that doing so in private is sufficient, I know better. I’ve made way too many public admonishments about responsibility and accountability to let myself off the hook. And, honestly, I know it’s just a matter of time before I slip up royally and everyone discovers the truth. AND I do not want to attract anymore people who are not willing to make changes. I read my newsletters and blogs too.

It’s time for complete transparency. I’m stuck. I’m resistant. I’m stubborn. I’m not willing to change. I’m complaining. I’m blaming. The big issue looming in front of me is that I have been using food off and on to numb myself for twenty-five years. I know better. I have done better. And right now, I’m back to my self-destructive habit with a bit of a vengeance.

It doesn’t seem like such a big deal when I write it out. Yet, I know for sure that what I’m saying is “Look, I’m just as guilty as the rest of you for complaining and blaming and not doing what it takes to create the life I want. ” It’s time for me to stop preaching and start being a role model. If it’s so important to me to empower people, I can start with myself. I can do the very same exercises I give my clients to do.  I can challenge myself and actually follow through.

I’ve often quoted Caroline Myss who says “We build self-esteem by honouring the commitments we make to ourselves.” I’m here to tell the truth – I don’t always honour the commitments I make to myself. I have work to do.

Tonight I’m not going to list all the things I will do from now on. I might tomorrow but right now what is most important to me is to own the fact that I am so stubbornly engaged in being stuck. I, like so many of you, am refusing the take responsibility for my health and for the promises I make over and over again.

So, there you have it. Once more for the record: I am a stubborn, stuck person who refuses to take responsibility for my poor choices.

Whew. Now you know so now I get to decide what to do next. Stay tuned.

Tonight I’m trying to figure out when the right time will be to make a trip to the city. A friend will be in town from out of the country and a few of our mutual pals will be getting together. I want to be there AND I want to be here.

I keep asking if this is the right time to get away since I have so much to do in preparation for my October 22nd Women’s Wisdom Retreat AND I have obligations to other people. What I know I need to do is exactly what I taught my retreat participants last weekend. Lay my values template over my quandary and watch the answer emerge.

When we are clear about what is important to us we can make decisions quicker and easier than if we are dangling over the edge of uncertainty. If we don’t know who matters to us we might easily neglect the relationships that we deeply cherish. And when we say yes to something that gives us momentary relief we may be saying no to something that, in the long term, will bring us joy and peace.

I have strong values of friendship and connection. In both difficult and happy times it has been my friends who have stood by me. They know me and they still stick with me because they don’t get distracted by the periodic, unruliness of my choices. They are solidly in my corner and they know they can count on me just as I count on them.

So it makes me wonder why I am even thinking of not going. Yes, I love being home and it is a long drive. Yes, I would rather snuggle up with my husband at night than sleep alone in an unfamiliar bed. Yes, I will be unavailable to my business and will miss my favourite fitness class.

And, it feels like the right time. I’m recovering from my mother’s passing and entering a new phase of life without either of my parents. I’ve been working very hard and haven’t laughed nearly as much as I used to. While I love my home and appreciate it so much, time away will make me love it even more.

So, am I going? Maybe. That final decision is yet to be made but what has been decided is that now I’m sure I want to. That’s worth knowing.

“The space for what you want is already filled with what you settled for instead.”  Richard Bach

I had started this post before this quote came across my desk and it fits perfectly with my thoughts. I love quotes. I love the impact of a short, direct statement. Sometimes they carry a lot of weight and this one surely does.

The past few weeks I’ve been asking myself why I do the things I do. The question that comes up is “For the sake of what?” Why am I taking action? Why am I procrastinating? Why am I joining in and why am I distancing myself? Why am I saying yes and why am I saying no? What’s the outcome I expect? What am I hoping for, wanting to have happen? What do I imagine is the ripple effect or am I just trying to appease an “in the moment” impulse?

Now, more than ever, with this new landscape of my life I am asking this question – for the sake of what? Sometimes the answer is swift and resonant – specifically for my coaching and retreats. I love this work which never seems like work. I am passionate about witnessing, supporting and creating opportunities for people to change what doesn’t work in their lives. I believe so deeply in personal empowerment.

It’s not so much that I will eliminate things from my life because I might … and I might not. What I am more certain of is that by asking the “for the sake of what” question I bring out the truth behind my actions. I open my heart and mind to the underlying energy that I live with.

When I ask “for the sake of what” I know when I’m settling. It is obvious. And maybe I will do something “for the sake of” avoiding conflict, pain or discomfort. Or I might not speak up or react “for the sake of” keeping the peace. But one thing is for sure, when I ask “for the sake of what” I can never say I acted unconsciously. Because I’ll know.